I need to vent a little bit today...
I find it unfortunate that in this day and age, there are still people who judge members of the gay community simply because of their sexual preference without knowing ANYTHING about the person. I remember being really young - like 6 years old - and my Mom told me that my Aunt Gail was gay. As a six year old, I agreed - yes Mommy, Aunt Gail is always very happy! :-) Mom explained that for the purposes of this discussion, gay meant homosexual - that Aunt Gail liked women instead of men in terms of relationships. So just like she loved my Daddy, that Aunt Gail would love another woman, and at the time, a woman named Hope would accompany my aunt to all of the family functions. She asked me how I felt about that. Without a nano-second's worth of hesitation, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "She's still my Aunt Gail, right?". My mother smiled and gave me a huge hug. And I think that was my first lesson in acceptance and tolerance without even knowing I was being tested. I also remember overhearing negative conversations about her from male members of my family and thinking how wrong they were - it just made me love my Aunt Gail even more!
A very dear friend of mine is gay and I remember when he told me. It was over wings, drinks and cheesecake at Junior's in downtown Brooklyn several years ago. And I think what he was expecting was shock, or disgust, or rejection. I continued eating my wings as I told him that I loved him just as before and asked him if he was happy. I cannot articulate the look on his face - I think it was comfort and relief in knowing that I was going to be his friend no matter what and that whom he chose to share intimate moments with didn't matter at all to me.
I have a nephew that I couldn't possibly love any more that I do. He is my pumpkin and can do no wrong in my eyes! So my reaction when he told me he was gay... I hugged him, gave him a big kiss and I told him I love him. And we went on about the business of living. And you know what? He is still and always will be auntie's baby - my pumpkin!
A friend of mine and I went to Manhattan Beach one warm evening some years ago. We sat and talked for hours, and I don't remember how the segue, but the conversation shifted to gay relationships. He related a story about a childhood friend - someone he grew up with, that had gone to school with him, that had spent night's at his house. He said they were like brothers. He continued to say that his friend, tormented, came to him feeling like he was the only person he could talk to given their history of close friendship. His friend revealed that he was gay, and my friend (and I now use the term with him VERY loosely), without skipping beat told him that he wished him well but that he could not and would not be friends with a gay man (the label he used being mush more derogatory and offensive). I guess I didn't realize how narrow-minded he was until that moment. Some years had passed since we spoke, and in a brief conversation I asked how his daughter was. As irony would have it, his 16 year old daughter would sit him down and not only tell him that she was gay but that she was AG or butch. Thinking that he might have learned some tolerance within his daughter's revelation, I asked how his friend was - you know... the close childhood brother-like friend that he rejected for making the same revelation. And his response to me was, well... let's just say he didn't learn anything!
A colleague of mine looked me in the eye as we ordered our Thai food and said, "Renee. Did you know that I was gay?" I said yes, and the conversation just continued from there without a hiccup. While I appreciate that she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me, it still saddens me to this day that there are members of her own family that she felt like she couldn't tell or be her true self in their presence. Aren't we taught that your family loves you no matter what? Try watching "Tears for Bobby". It should be required viewing!
I had a discussion a while back with a girlfriend of mine about the time she and her partner were looking for another apartment. She contacted a woman and they had great rapport on the phone. They had a few conversations during the course of a few days, and by the time they scheduled a meeting to view the apartment, the woman practically said, "If you want the apartment, it's yours!". Their finances, references and credit were in order so getting this apartment should have been a shoe in, right? Well, when this woman saw two women walking towards her property, she surmised that they weren't just casual roommates and said that the apartment had JUST been rented! Co-incidence? Not likely. I mean as a property owner, her main concern should have been whether or not her rent would be paid and her property cared for, not their relationship!
What I feel for the gay community - not just my friends or relatives - is fear. Simply because there are still so many ignorant bigoted people out there who will not take the time to cultivate a relationship or form a friendship with these folks. They wont try to understand their personalities - what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, what makes them tick, their interests, their hobbies, their likes and dislikes - they wont bother to really get to know them and in doing so realizing that they're people - human beings just like members of the straight community. No - for these asinine bigots, it's easier to just form opinions and hate them, or make stupid hateful comments, or worst, commit violent acts... Why? Because they don't agree with who they choose to sleep with? Really?
I recently posted an article in Facebook about a young woman who went into a New Jersey-based bridal shop looking for her gown. She was there with her friends and family. Delighted that she found her gown, she began to fill out the order form. Where the 'groom' information was requested, she crossed out the word groom and wrote partner, and put her fiancee's name. When she arrived home there was a message from the shop owner who said that they shop would not be able to do business with her because they don't engage in illegal activity, and her marriage was illegal! What upset me almost as much as the story is that someone commented on my post with just a single word... "So?". I immediately deleted that comment because I found it to be stupid and ridiculously insensitive. My mother always taught me that if I couldn't say something positive, then just don't say anything at all - perhaps the person who made that comment was never taught such a lesson. In retrospect, instead of deleting her silly comment, what I should have done was to challenge her. Let's substitute "Lesbian Bride" with African-American Bride, Asian Bride or Latina Bride. If the shop owner had refused service to the aforementioned ethnic groups, would that have somehow have been OK? Would my Facebook responder's comment still have been "So?". Personally, I think the shop owner is a raging dumb-ass, because in addition to potentially selling not one but TWO gowns, had her customer service been on point, there would have been many referrals I'm sure.
Here's what I know about human nature - You cannot control who you are attracted to. You just can't. And so it burns my ass when I hear someone stupidly say that being gay is a choice. It's not. And pretty much any gay person will tell you the same. Do they really think that anyone would CHOOSE to be judged so harshly by so many? Do they really think that anyone would CHOOSE to be rejected by their friends and family? Do they really think that anyone would CHOOSE to live in secrecy for fear of that rejection? Do they really think that anyone would CHOOSE to be teased, beaten up, spit on? Now that having been said, no gay person should ever be made to feel like they have to apologize for being who they are. "OUT and Proud" - I LOVE it! That to me is a much better option than living the way everyone thinks they're supposed to and lying to yourself.
To the ultra-religious zealots who claim to love and to fear GOD, but spew hatred to the gay community, I say to you first of all that Marriage by definition is a social union or legal contract that created kinship. Not necessarily a religious bond. In many circle and in many countries Marriage is CIVIL not Religious. The bible does mention homosexuality, but I don't ever remember reading a passage that says that judgement is OK. In my years at Sunday School I don't remember being taught that hatred is viewed favorably in the eyes of GOD. Secondly, the church has many other larger issues to be concerned with - like clergy committing acts of molestation against children. It's been happening for years! There are actually priests who will vehemently speak out against homosexuality while behind closed doors they're having non-consensual sex with under-aged BOYS... seems just a tad hypocritical to me!
The Marriage Equality Act was recently passed in New York and even that has folks talking negatively. My question is why? For those that are in opposition, I ask how does a marriage between two people of the same sex affect you any more than marriage between two people of the opposite sex affect you? The answer is that it doesn't. Should the issue be that there are two people who love each other and want to share their lives with each other?
There was a mass same sex wedding ceremony in July at the Carlyle in Long Island and I attended. And the emotions in that beautifully appointed banquet hall were overwhelming. There was no judgement or hatred there. There was love and support and triumph! It was awesome!
The couple that affected me the most were two women who had been in their relationship for 40 years. And now they're married! I cannot imaging loving someone and wanting to have them as a life partner for 40 years and being given bullshit reasons why I couldn't.
Is the love between two women or two men any less deep, real or unconditional than that of their 'straight' counterparts? And do NOT get me started on the whole Gay/Straight thing. What knucklehead came up with these words anyway? They're just labels, and speaking as a hetero-sexual woman, I can tell you that I've had my share of relationships with men that were anything but straight. Lies, deception, violence, cheating - are those the ingredients of a Straight relationship?
Is it possible for ALL of us to just peacefully co-exist? Can 2012 be the Year of Tolerance? Do we not as human beings have bigger issues than another person's sexuality? Can we just learn to accept and love each other?
I, Renee Matthews, have always been "LGBT friendly"! I don't separate my relationships into classes of sexual preference. My friends and my family are ALL loved by me equally and unconditionally...
OK... I'm done venting! ♥
